Dropping Out Is Not Sexy!
Hey,
I am Neha, I dropped out of the MPhil program in 2019 and this is my story of constant struggle since then.
A Little Background
I completed my MA in Psycho-Social Clinical Studies back in 2018 and I wanted to learn more.
My imagination of the next step was always interdisciplinary. A little bit of economics, political science, and of course- psychology.
Also, in early 2018 I felt the need to take a break to figure out certain things about myself.
Therefore, further education and break were conflicting ideas in my head which bothered me for the longest time.
Unfortunately, I ignored the conflict and went ahead with the higher education journey.
Desire To Be My Person
Once you become a Delhi person, imagining a life without the city becomes difficult. At least, for me, the Delhi times were extremely important. They shaped me as an individual. I wanted to stay back and that was all I knew.
I could have easily chosen to survive in Delhi by doing some work but at some level, it felt like taking a step backward. On the other hand, a Ph.D. or an MPhil felt like taking a step forwards.
So decided to appear for higher study exams and somehow got into one. I swear I never felt this sad qualifying for an exam before.
With this entry point, I did get a sense of being an adult. Newfound confidence kicked in that this is my city. I know how to take care of myself now.
I felt like I became my person. Or was it just a false sense? I was about to find out.
Dwindling Mental Health
Wanting to take a break after my post-graduation was not a thinking process in isolation. I was studying for the past five years. Honestly, I needed to breathe.
I just wanted to talk to myself about many things, work a little, and understand the world outside the academic circle.
My health was not good either. My body was in so much pain that it impacted my behavior and emotional states immensely.
Despite the inner turmoil and legit health concern, I prioritized being my person and financial independence. Sometimes, taking help and sitting yourself down is the best thing for yourself. (Especially if you have that privilege)
The Slow Cooked Breakdown Was Coming
My MPhil was an action research program that involved nine months of fieldwork.
*Taking a deep breathe*
With poor mental and physical health, going to a remote setting was the icing on the worst cake ever. On top of it, I was in academia- filled with constant jargon chatter and a forced thought-provoking environment.
Despite these existing challenges, I mustered the courage and went ahead. I got posted in a small village of Gumla, Jharkhand. Since the moment I stepped my feet in Jharkhand, I think I knew my end was near. By the end, I mean leaving the course.
So why did I continue? Fear. One damn word.
Fear of messing an opportunity.
Fear of facing my parents.
Fear of not getting another opportunity.
Fear of being invisible.
Fear of being an insignificant entity in the world where intellectual value precedes personal value.
Fear of disappointing my professors. Fear of losing relationships because, in my head, they could only survive in physical presence.
Fear of losing the community I created in a short span within Gumla
But I had to Back Down
I caught up with diarrhea one day. Even earlier, I struggled with fever and a lethargic body in the village all the time. And remember the constant body pain? That existed too.
Also, I could not take the everyday loneliness and an absolute sense of nothingness around me.
My wake-up call was an emergency visit to a hospital in the middle of nowhere.
So, I just decided to leave. I remember the final journey back to Delhi. I cried myself to sleep on the train and felt empty.
I came back and now I know it was the best decision ever.
The Present Times
I am confident about who I am today. I know myself a lot better. More importantly, I am alive and with my family.
Since I left the course, I have worked with startups in the social and private sectors. I even created my platform Let’s Talk Life to share information about mental health and provided affordable counseling services. I closed the project, more on that soon.
I just want to say dropping out can be an arduous journey. Please listen to yourself more than anything or anyone else. Prioritize your quest for life.
As for me, writing this has been liberating, kind of. I have been scrutinized and lost many opportunities because I was truthful about my journey. To those people, I’d like to say- namaste, samose saste :)
